Rather, I would be open about it if asked about my sexuality.
I have reached a point where I don't give a fuck what people think of me. I am, shall and will be my greatest critic. Up till very recently, the only people I came clean to are my close friends. Being open about it to a few "Not so close" friends made me realise that I can be open if I really want to. The only thing that has been holding me back was fear. Fear of being judged, fear of vulnerability, fear of consequences that didn't exist to begin with.
Boy was it liberating when I could openly talk about it! Of course the few of them being accepting helped a great deal but it was comforting to finally take the first steps in being open to who I really am, regardless of response.
The journey of me realising and subsequently, truly accepting my sexuality wasn't easy. Confusing is an understatement. I've always felt this attraction and curiosity towards guys. I should have heeded the alarm bells but instead, I dismissed it as a phase. Falling for girls in JC further muddied the waters. In fact it served to further feed my delusion that gay was a phase. I knew deep down at this point I was bi but straight was a much more convenient image to portray.
Here I was at 18, refusing to accept myself. Then one day, a certain someone came out to me. That took serious balls and I decided to came out to him too. First person I ever told. Did some reflecting after and decided to give accepting myself a shot. Told the 3 girls and they were so accepting and I'm so thankful for their support throughout this road to acceptance.
Fear of judgement held me back from being completely open. Furthermore, I exist in an asian country whereby LGBT and acceptance aren't exactly the perfect couple. Soon I realised that acceptance by society wasn't gonna be my only problem. Questions of who started flooding my head. Who do I want spent my life with- a guy or girl? Who will actually give dating a bi a chance cos it's supposedly more risky? Who will love me for who I am?
Who will understand me better than me? In JC girls was where my focus lied. Then somehow along the way last year, that focus shifted. I recently gave that a thought and came to an answer. For now, boys it is. At least that's one question answered.
That leads us back to now where I decided to be open. It's definitely the positives that led me to being open. People being more open than I initially thought and the fact I don't have to deal with potential conflicts with religion. Maybe it's just the younger generation that's more accepting. Regardless, something is better than nothing. This journey has its ups and downs and at end of the day, I really do hope that I can truly be proud that I'm bi and more open than I currently am. Here's to a fulfilling journey ahead....
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