"I'm toxic"

"Yaaaa he's ugly but he is a nice guy"

I'm sick of people always adding 'but he/she is nice'. So sick of it. I can't begin to fathom why people would almost certainly add that phrase when I describe someone as ugly. Is there even a need for it?

I mean ugly is ugly. Period. I'm not saying I will ostracise you if I think you're ugly. I'm merely stating my opinion. Whether you agree or not is a completely different issue.
But why is it that theres always a need for people to provide a compliment? Its as though ugly is such a bad thing that most feel bad and feel a compliment is warranted to neutralise 'ugly'.

On the surface, ugly seems like a really negative word. Is it really? It's merely used as an adjective. It's subjective. I'm entitled to my opinion as much as you are to yours. People may argue that it is rude to call someone ugly. Well, to me, the person is ugly and I perceive it as the truth. Why should I sugarcoat the truth? Admittedly, there are times where being tactful is helpful. But for the sake of the post, lets assume I am describing the person to another individual and not calling him ugly straight to his face.

There is no need to 'defend' the person. All I'm doing is saying what I believe is the truth from my two eyes. In fact, by  defending the person, you are putting negative connatations on 'ugly'. Lets be very clear about this. You are making 'ugly' ugly; not me. I am not being toxic. I am not making any underlying suggestions about how being ugly affects my mental impression of an individual. Please feel free to disagree with me on whether a person is ugly. But please do not, do not, question where I'm coming from. Cos all I am doing is stating my opinion. And so, please do not, do not, add a compliment when I describe someone as ugly.

I get that the word 'ugly' , together with stupid, fat etc..., have been taught to us since young as negatives. Labelling someone as ugly almost always leads to a telling off by an adult. There in lies the problem. Somewhere along mankind's evolution and modernisation, honesty in some cases is mistaken for being rude. Honesty and straightforwardness is seen as refreshing in society. That shouldn't be the case. You owe it to a person to honest. Sadly though, most these days don't have the mental toughness to take honesty, especially those from the so called strawberry generation.
We are simply too sheltered. Perhaps thats why people hold back from being direct. Perhaps thats why people always give a politically correct opinion. Perhaps thats why people always think of a way to sugarcoat responses. They are afraid of hurting the feelings of others.

As someone who is direct and honest, it would great if we as a society could be more direct with each other. The onus should definitely be on all of us to toughen up mentally and be less sensitive. We should not read and dwell too much into words which are really just adjectives. If you don't like it, do something to change people's opinions. Having said that, it is impossible to please everyone. Accepting and knowing who you as a person goes a long way in building that mental resilience! Thats the best solution in the long run. One last thing. If you are direct and honest with others, please be able to take it when others are being honest as well.

Dont get too close, its dark inside

I thought the bulk of my insecurities stemmed from my looks. I assumed that as long as I could accept my looks, life would just somehow transform from a path filled with thorns to a red carpet. How wrong I was. Turns out insecurities are like hydras. Managing to get rid of one only leads to another springing up, bigger and scarier each time. I guess this is what they call getting to know yourself, finding out exactly how scary the demons in you can be.

I've always felt that my looks was what was holding me back from being confident. And for a period of time, that was the case. After this past week, I realised superficial insecurities are just the low level monsters in me

Coming clean

Guess that I've finally reach the stage of acceptance of myself that I can comfortably reveal to people that I'm bi. Having said that, I would not go around telling people, "hey I'm bi!!!". 

Rather, I would be open about it if asked about my sexuality.

I have reached a point where I don't give a fuck what people think of me. I am, shall and will be my greatest critic. Up till very recently, the only people I came clean to are my close friends. Being open about it to a few "Not so close" friends made me realise that I can be open if I really want to. The only thing that has been holding me back was fear. Fear of being judged, fear of vulnerability, fear of consequences that didn't exist to begin with. 

Boy was it liberating when I could openly talk about it! Of course the few of them being accepting helped a great deal but it was comforting to finally take the first steps in being open to who I really am, regardless of response. 

The journey of me realising and subsequently, truly accepting my sexuality wasn't easy. Confusing is an understatement. I've always felt this attraction and curiosity towards guys. I should have heeded the alarm bells but instead, I dismissed it as a phase. Falling for girls in JC further muddied the waters. In fact it served to further feed my delusion that gay was a phase. I knew deep down at this point I was bi but straight was a much more convenient image to portray. 

Here I was at 18, refusing to accept myself. Then one day, a certain someone came out to me. That took serious balls and I decided to came out to him too. First person I ever told. Did some reflecting after and decided to give accepting myself a shot. Told the 3 girls and they were so accepting and I'm so thankful for their support throughout this road to acceptance. 

Fear of judgement held me back from being completely open. Furthermore, I exist in an asian country whereby LGBT and acceptance aren't exactly the perfect couple. Soon I realised that acceptance by society wasn't gonna be my only problem. Questions of who started flooding my head. Who do I want spent my life with- a guy or girl? Who will actually give dating a bi a chance cos it's supposedly more risky? Who will love me for who I am?

Who will understand me better than me? In JC girls was where my focus lied. Then somehow along the way last year, that focus shifted. I recently gave that a thought and came to an answer. For now, boys it is. At least that's one question answered. 

That leads us back to now where I decided to be open. It's definitely the positives that led me to being open. People being more open than I initially thought and the fact I don't have to deal with potential conflicts with religion. Maybe it's just the younger generation that's more accepting. Regardless, something is better than nothing. This journey has its ups and downs and at end of the day, I really do hope that I can truly be proud that I'm bi and more open than I currently am. Here's to a fulfilling journey ahead....

Opinions, opinions, opinions

An aspect of myself which I have not paid much attention to till last year is my looks. Constantly comparing myself to others, making a mental judgement on who is "better looking". When people have a different opinion,especially if its unfavourable to me, I just go "Fuck it, I'm right, they're wrong".  I mean I'm 'not bad' looking but maybe its time for me to respect the fact that people have varying opinions to prevent myself from getting upset again.

Honestly, I couldnt give a fuck if someone I'm not close to said something I deem wrong. But when someone close says it, damn it really affects me. Am I really that delusional? I guess I have to accept and learn that opinions vary and should just believe in myself. 

Growing up

Im no longer fine with things I was okay with in the past. Guess thats growing up huh. It feels really good to be able to say that

Revelation

Feels much better to have to told my close friends about it. I feel liberated and really glad that they have been supportive! I mean I've always known but never really accepted it, let alone confess to others, cos i was embaressed. Cant wait to see what the future holds :)

Extroverted introvert

"Why are you so quiet " , "why you so dao one" are questions that people ask me. "Because I have nothing to say " would be my reply and that's the truth.

I mean what's the point of interacting with someone for the sake of it . It's superficial in a way and I really don't like it. Sure this will make you have less friends but hey , quality over quantity right ? Around my friends , I'm able to talk  and laugh around and most importantly ,mean it .